Children change your life. But your parenting practice can affect their lives. So, this is why it’s important to improve your parenting with these proven tips.
Imagine the scene: You are shopping for groceries and see a small child crying and screaming in the middle of the shop. How do you react? On some days, you feel sorry for the adult trying to handle a small child’s tantrum. On others, you feel embarrassed because the child throwing a tantrum is yours.
This is a pretty familiar situation. But no matter how annoyed you get, you know that shouting at a child to be quiet is not going to help. Ultimately, this only teaches them that their feelings are not valid. Good parenting is about respecting and understanding why your child is upset rather than invalidating their feelings. However, it isn’t as easy as it sounds.
In reality, every child development stage will test your parenting skills. How you choose to respond will profoundly affect your child’s long-term development.
That is why improving your parenting is key to overcoming challenges. More importantly, good parenting practices can build kindness, self-control, honesty, empathy, self-reliance, and motivation in children.
On the other hand, ineffective parenting practices can contribute to developing mental health issues in the long term, including substance and alcohol abuse.
As Laurence Steinberg, PhD and Psychology Professor at Temple University in Philadelphia explains, “parenting is one of the most researched areas in the entire field of social science.” As such, the proven tips shared in this article can help transform your parenting and build a harmonious relationship with your child.
Provide a clear set of consistent rules
Your behaviour matters
Children learn by observing and copying those around them. As a result, what you do as a parent matters. For example, there are different ways you could react to your child’s behaviour. In psychology, this is described as the contingent responsiveness of parents.
To put it in simple terms, this means that:
- Your reaction, whether verbal or non-verbal, can affect your child
- Positive parenting responses will help develop positive relationships between parents and children
Now, this can be confusing. What does a positive response look like?
For example, think about it. What do you achieve when you react with anger or harsh criticism when your child confides in you? This can lead to low self-esteem for your child, as they feel judged for sharing their experience or interests with you. Besides, in the long term, your child may choose not to share anything with you to protect themselves.
But that’s not all. This also teaches your child that it is okay to hurt others when they don’t share the same interests or perceptions, which will further affect their social development as adults.
An emotionally positive response gives your child the sense of security they need to develop healthy relationships. They learn it is okay for them to explore their identity and desires.
You can also apply the same principle to the way you respond to mistakes. So, whether they accidentally break a plate or fail a maths test, the visceral spur-of-the-moment response can be counterproductive. Shouting or blaming them is unlikely to help. In fact, it will only make them feel inadequate without showing them how to avoid making the same mistake again. Instead, you want to approach them in a sensitive way, so that you provide constructive support.
Provide a clear set of consistent rules
You wouldn’t expect your child to self-parent. When you want to improve your child’s behaviour, you need to improve your parenting, and more precisely the set of rules you provide. Many parents make the mistake of assuming that rules are obvious. But what is clear to adults may not feel the same to a six-year-old or a 12-year-old brain.
It is important to provide appropriate rules and levels of expectations for children. Indeed, limited rules and expectations can drive children to develop unhealthy habits. Children can end up with excessive freedom, whether it is about snacking or even bedtime routines. This form of parenting is called permissive parenting and it can lead to self-regulation issues in later life, as children lack guidance.
Similarly, it is important to understand that too many rules and unrealistic expectations can be just as destructive to children.
Always explain your decisions
Discipline plays a crucial role in your child’s development. Parenting with good discipline is about guiding and teaching children about acceptable and positive behaviours. On the one hand, they need to know the rules, as explained above. But on the other hand, children also need to understand why the rules exist.
It is the necessary pendant to setting parenting rules. You also need to be able to explain to your child why the rules are important, rather than forcing them to obey.
This is especially important as it will help children acquire and maintain the appropriate behaviours. For example, children are not putting their toys away because you told them to but because a tidy bedroom promotes better sleep and hygiene.
Practise positive parenting
Rather than focusing solely on discipline and correction, emphasise positive reinforcement that will encourage the desired behaviours.
Positive parenting uses PRIDE skills:
- Praise them for the positive behaviours they show
- Reflection by repeating and elaborating on what they’ve said to create a conversation
- Imitate the way they play to get on their level and practice social skills
- Description, where you describe what they’re doing to show they have your attention and help increase their focus
- Enjoy activities together and let them know about it
Be a loving parent
A common mistake is to assume that showering your child in love is what will drive spoilt behaviours. The truth is that spoiling a child with lenient rules or material possessions is not the same as showing your child they are loved.
As Len Lantz, MD, explains, communicating your love in a way that your child can understand is important.
“If you ever wonder “Whose love language matters most?” in conveying love to your child, the answer is theirs.” – Len Lantz, MD
Research has identified many different love languages, including physical touch, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and emotional support.
Practise respectful parenting
Respect is as much something you give to and get from your child. The relationship needs to be mutually respectful. For instance, you can’t expect your child to treat you with respect if they never get to experience the same treatment from you.
What does this look like in day-to-day life? Respecting your child means treating them the way you wish they’d treat you and everyone else. This can involve, for example:
- Being polite when you talk to them
- Listening to what they have to without criticising
- Paying attention when they are speaking to you
- Etc.
Never forget that your child learns their social skills from you. To put it simply, if you don’t show them what respect is, they won’t be able to treat others with respect.
Don’t spank your child
How should you discipline your child? Many adults experienced harsh discipline practices growing up. But psychologists warn against spanking or hitting children. It teaches your child that bullying earns respect.
There are better ways to discipline a child that do not involve violence. You could, for example, use time out to encourage them to think about what they did or said.
In conclusion, to go back to the child throwing a tantrum in the shop, improving your parenting can help you manage and even prevent the issue. Indeed, this starts with understanding your relationship with your child and how your parenting practices can affect their development.
By that point, you understand that spanking or shouting will not help. Instead, clear rules and positive parenting can help prevent the issue.
Good parenting is built on mutual respect, clear expectations, showing affection, and creating of a consistently safe place for your child. Ultimately, effective parenting can help children learn the social and emotional skills they need in life. So, praising your child for being patient while grocery shopping can work wonders.